July 17/18 1996
I was home alone .
My kids , aged 7 and 8 at the time must have been staying with one pair of grandparents or the other , as it was summer time , and I clearly remember being alone .
Around 2am the phone rings which startled me as I was falling into the first deep sleep of the night .
It was the voice of my husband , sounding pretty clear and right there next to me :
– “Hello , it’s me , everything is all right , please do not worry , but something happened and I wanted to let you know before you would learn about it on the news ! ” I’m sorry to wake you up but there was an accident here in New York with one of your planes ” . “Pay attention , it was not the 900 flight (New York – LIS) it is the 800 (New York-Paris) ” . ” I was afraid you would find out in the news and misunderstand it” . “It is bad , really bad , I’m watching the news now here at the hotel , I really doubt I can catch the 900 tomorrow back to LIS as planned , I will let you know when I can ” . “Are you ok ? baby moving ? kids allright ? take care , kisses , I love you ” .
I don’t think I will ever forget this call , the horrible images on the news , the deep deep sorrow for my fellow colleagues and all our passengers lost on that night , the anguish of their family and friends trying to find out if their loved ones had actually boarded that fated plane and what could have happened .
I could not do a thing but pray .
I couldn’t even help my Lisbon airport colleagues who were under an enormous stress and grief , besides an immense work load with all the cancellations and changes of routes plus a shortage of staff as some of them were immediately deployed to Paris , to help the CDG airport staff or to volunteer in the support group to the families of the victims .
I was at the time and since my fourth month into pregnancy on forced bed rest and on strong anti-contractions medication for my beautiful youngest baby girl , who inherited her father’s stubborn streak and kept on trying to be born well in advance of her expected date towards the end of September .
So , I prayed and I cried and I waited (told you before , I have a master’s degree in waiting) .
My husband came back from New York on our TW900 , I believe two days after , I managed to keep the stubborn girl inside me until the 1st of September , and she was born healthy and perfect .
But my sorrow for those passengers and my colleagues , and their families and friends ; and yes also for our beautiful plane so stupidly destroyed and our company that was never again the same , has not diminished in these 20 years .
And I also carry this guilt that I was not there to help .
Even if the reason for not being there was such a special one , and yes I was blessed with a very special daughter .
I realize this is a very selfish post but I needed to put it out there on the 20th year after the Flight 800 came down near Long Island on the 17th July 1996 .
May all rest in peace and may some peace have come to their families and friends .
Hugs
ps : out it came , tears blurring my already poor sight , no editing , sorry .
Gosh, I’m so glad to read this, and that you shared your inner experience. There’s something about sharing that can be so healing … just in itself. ❤ Sending blessings your way, and thank you also for visiting my blog! Your authenticity is inspirational and courageous.
Loving,
Debbie
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Thank you for your lovely words 🙂
And yes you are right , it seems a tiny bit of all that heaviness in my heart started lifting after writing this and receiving all these wonderfully understanding and dear comments 🙂
Turtle Hugs
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A beautiful heartfelt post and the kind of post that needs to be written. These events touch all of us and the closer you are to it energetically, especially when it feels like one family, the stronger these feelings will be. Moments like these bring everyone closer and we hold you and your family and all those affected in our prayers. Big hugs from all of us xxx
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Thank you for understanding and for all those hugs 🙂
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I felt too dear Turtle, it is so sad. I’m so sorry for your grief! Sending my love and hugs to you, nia
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Thank you very much nia , your thoughts and love and hugs are very much appreciated .
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So very sad x loads of love xx
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Thank you so much
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So sorry, Turtle. You must feel so sad at such a significant anniversary. May they rest in peace.
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Oh My! We were actually commenting on each other at the same time 😀
Thank you for your words ❤
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Hugs x
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So very heartfelt, I could feel your tears and anguish as you remembered this. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Sending you warm hugs of friendship from down under. xo
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Thank you Miriam !
You know , I always “feel” that date but this year it hit particularly hard and it made me write this . But I was very hesitant in publishing it , afraid it could be read by someone directly affected by the disaster and bring them further pain 😦
Turtle Hugs
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Ir was written so sensitively and beautifully, you’re a kind soul. Hugs. xo
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Thank you for sharing this. Big hugs.
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Thank you for reading me 🙂
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I agree with the others: this is definitely not a selfish post. What a traumatic event it must have been to affect you so deeply even 20 years later. 💜💜
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Thank you !
And yes it was , but it was good that I finally got to write about it , something has changed after all these years !
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Oh my dear sweet Turtle. This is not selfish. This is heartfelt and appropriate and I thank you for the reminder because otherwise it is so easy to consign each tragedy to a place that grows dust and cobwebs and ceases to remind me that we must always care. We must always feel. We must always be decent. We must never forget simple kindness and most of all we must be compassionate and understand that some wounds don’t neatly heal. So not selfish. Not at all and I thank you. From the bottom of my aching heart, I thank you. And I send you hugs. Bean Hugs too. Take care, gentle soul. Take care.
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Thank you Fiona so very very much ❤
Loved your thoughts and as always you leave me with no words (that make any sense) to answer you back 😉
Thank you for yours and Bean's hugs (hope he is reacting well to his Lyme treatments)
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She thanks you for the hugs – she is very fond of hugs. She is responding to her antibiotics and I am holding onto the hope that no lasting damage has been done. You don’t need to respond – your heart spoke in your piece. That is what counts. I’m so glad to have found you or that you found me or whatever it was. Because I count you amongst my most special. I hope you know that – words not needed 🙂
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Sorry Bean , I know you are a girl 🙂
I’m happy to know that you’re taking your antibiotics and soon you will be as healthy as before that pesky ticks decided to hitch a ride on you . Hope your papa is also being diligent with his treatment 🙂
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The Bean responds ‘actually I cock my leg like a boy and have a pretty macho temperament so please don’t apologise – like ma mere I prefer not to be pigeon-holed! Mon pere is off his drugs now (have another week to go) and will see his doctor in two weeks for a blood test – we bully him to make sure he doesn’t forget to look after himself’ 🙂
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Ah! Thank you 🙂 So from now on I will refer to you as a girl or as a boy depending on the antics you come up with 🙂
J’imagine que ton pére même s’il a deux cerveaux oublie de prendre ses petits pills 😉
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Vous parlez Français – geniale! Yes he does 😉
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I read and understand 🙂
Haven’t spoken or written in quite a few years 😦
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I thought I understood English until I came Stateside … NOT the same at all 😉
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I know what you mean 😉
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It is a tight rope to walk .
To keep our sanity we need to “buffer” a bit from all these tragedies and yet we can not let ourselves become immune to them . Like you said we must always care about the others , we must always feel , as much as that can hurt . We must not turn into stones , or be indifferent to what is happening around us .
Turtle Hugs ❤
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I love that analogy – it is a tightrope indeed. To keep the sympathy and at times empathy without letting it turn us to gibbering wrecks and to never ever allow ourselves to be stone. I love your way with words. Really love it. 🙂 xx
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Not a selfish post at all. I am sure the shock and grief of such a traumatic event will be with you always. Hugs to you.
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Even if it is such a smidgen compared to what the families went through .
Thank you and hugs back
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This is not a selfish post at all! This hit home for you and the memories are still strong, no matter the time when it happened. The loss of family is difficult – no matter if it is biological, or other means – you suffered a loss. Hugs sent your way. 🙂
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Thank you 🙂
For your words and understanding and the hugs 🙂
Wishing you a good Monday
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Aww, I feel so sad for you, and for your grief, what you are feeling and what you felt. Your storyhas brought shivers down my body. Sadly,(in my opinion) grief never eases. This is so close to your heart. You are a beautiful, caring person. Hugs to you
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Thank you for your kind words 🙂
Didn’t mean to make people sad (what was i thinking ? ) but somehow I just had to write it , and strangely it feels things are a bit “tidier” now .
Hugs
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So sorry for your painful memories. It was a tragic loss. So glad your little one stayed put until she could become healthy and ready to do what she came to this world to do! Be assured you did what could be done. Going beyond might have just resulted in another tragedy. Hugs.
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Thank you very very much Oneta for your beautiful thoughts 🙂
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Traumatic events in our lives never quite fade away, writing about them is difficult but cathartic, so this post is a good thing . I read that the final report stated it was a spark in the tank…BTW, my father was with PanAm 🙂
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Another great company 🙂
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Awww, God bless. Such a terrible tragedy, and I’m so sorry it’s still so fresh in your mind. While I know you’ll never forget, I do hope the writing about it has eased your grief a little. Hugs to you.
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And all your Hugs and lovely comments too 🙂
Thank you
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And no editing necessary. You wrote beautifully and powerfully. And I’m glad you’ve got something so beautiful to think of along with the sadness. Many many hugs! ♥♥♥
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Thank you so much Sandra 🙂
And yes ! I’m very thankful for my “baby” 🙂
Hugs ❤
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I’m so sorry for your grief! Sending germ free hugs and kisses!
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All hugs and kisses accepted gladly right now , germ free or not 🙂
Thank you
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xo
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Awww, maybe its because of all the senseless deaths on TV right now but I’m crying now too. Don’t worry though, I’ve got a masters degree in cray-cray so I’ll be alright ❤ Hugs to you! 🙂
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We must careful ! The oceans are already rising , let’s not add much tears to it dear 🙂
Hugs
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LOL! XD
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Ah! made you smile 🙂
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I’m sorry for your grief and sorrow in writing this post T! The memories seem so clear and close as you remember. I am trying to understand why your husband called it “your” plane. Did you work for TWA? Maybe you own it! 🙂 Tight hugs T!
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Thank you Jodi for the hugs 🙂
Yes I did , as my father before me 🙂
Best company I ever worked for , best colleagues and friends , we were really a family 🙂
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