Feeling Guilty ? or maybe not so much

The Guilt that Haunts Me

Share a time when you were overcome with guilt. What were the circumstances? How did you overcome your guilt?

This prompt showed up on Dec. 01st , I did think I had ignored it , but the next day Jacquelines‘ post about it caught my attention , and yet again I tried to ignore this nagging thought right there on the back of my mind.

And then yesterday Dec.03 it was the anniversary of my dear grandmother’s leaving us a few years ago . Let me explain that I tend to let go (even forget) the date people passed away – unless it is one of those traumatic events you always associate with the date – and prefer to remember them on their birthday , the holidays , and every time they choose to pop into my head.

My grandmother was 103 years old when she died . She had fallen and broken her leg a few days before. Independent and stubborn as she was , she must have fallen while going about her house doing what she probably shouldn’t have been doing like cleaning or tidying up something , as she would usually do as soon as we turned our backs .

So you see , although it was very sad that she died , and I was very very unhappy for a while , it was not like something we were not expecting and it surely was not a traumatic event per se. All this to say that very rarely do I associate Dec 03 with my Grandmother.

But , and there is always a but , this year there were these 3 pings – the guilt prompt , jacqueline’s post , Dec 03 – that conjured to make me write about this guilt that I feel from time to time.

Guilt that I did not spend more time with her , that I did not make the time to sit with her and learn as she had loads to teach me. Guilt that I did not get to ask her about so many details of her life that I do not know about and are now lost forever.

Guilt that I was keeping myself busy , busy , busy , rushing to work , to pick up kids , to do , do , do . Never making time , saying to myself I’ll go tomorrow , next week , when things slow down. Well things never did slow down , at least not while she was still alive.

And I feel an immense guilt that I was so selfish thinking about me and all I had to do , and not about her , and all that she did not have to do , hours wasted away just waiting for someone to visit or to call .

Hours we could have spent together , talking about her youth , her family , her marriage to a man 20 years her senior when she was barely out of her professional school and starting to work  ( yes , she did take higher studies in the 1920’s in retrograde Portugal ) . She was a kid when we went from monarchy to a Republic , but she witnessed two World Wars , the man on the Moon ( no big deal there I guess , as my grandfather taught Geography and Astronomy ) and the entry into the 21st century.

She must have had so many stories to tell if we just had asked her the right questions and spent a little more time with her . We would have had to be persistent though , she wouldn’t just give it all away without a lot of effort on our part . She was above all a stern teacher , and she would have made us work hard .

To my grandmother I thank above all the unconditional love she always showed for me , and the love for books she did instill in me . It was her that bought me my first “real book” when I was just starting first grade , and let me tell you , I did learn to read very very fast so I could get the next one . Can you guess which books we are talking about ? Yes , the very ones  “The Famous Five ” by Enid Blyton .

 

Five Run Away Together
Five Run Away Together

 

My dear Vóvó  (that’s granny , nanny) would only go with me to the bookshop and let me choose and buy a new one if I did get really good results in school (not A’s for her , only A+s were acceptable).

She tried to space the books out , but I read them really fast and also always got very good grades .

So she would tell me – half-jokingly – that I was going to ruin her , as books were quite expensive then .

Thank you Vóvó ❤

 

Five Run Away Together was nbr 3 on the series but it was the very first one I read , if I am not mistaken.

That copy on the photo up there doesn’t look so old (it is from the 60s) or much read because it is not my book , it is my husband’s one 😉  , mine turned to dust apparently as I can’t find it.

I am deeply thankful to my granny for giving me the gift of books , and the love to read and to learn .

She also taught me to always to the best job you can with the tools you have available at that moment , and so in her memory I will apply this lesson and accept that at the time I was doing my best to raise my kids the best I could , working my ass off making a living , and thinking that  sitting with Granny could wait , for when I had the time .

And now I am trying hard to not repeat it all over again with my parents , so I will not be guilt ridden again over the same in a few years time .

Still feeling guilty ? Yes of course , but I understand it better now.

Lesson learned ? Never fully I guess.

 

Have a good weekend , enjoy your family , your friends , your pets , nature , whatever makes you happy 🙂

Turtle Hugs  ❤

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Feeling Guilty ? or maybe not so much

  1. And yet more turtle hugs for you izabolinha. It is a fact of life these days that women have so little time and always need to put their children first. I expect your grandma would have known that. Today is your day for forgiving yourself.
    I loved the Famous Five as a child as well and the book I remember best is 5 go to Kirrin Island. Then in later years there were all the boarding school books – Malory Towers if I remember rightly.
    I cannot fault your English but you do have a typo. It’s not yours but one that you probably copied from the prompt – should be “overcome your guilt”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment , and yes I can see it now , I c&p the prompt !
      The Five were the best , right ? I read the 7 also (but not really my thing , secret clubs and so on) , and The Adventures (those were good , and with a bit of travel abroad) , and the School ones – Four Towers I believe , and the Twins or something ?
      First Enid Blyton and then Rosamunde Pilcher gave me a yearning to visit Cornwall , which I haven’t done yet.
      Turtle Hugs

      Like

  2. What a lovely story. It is a good reminder for all of us to. Life passes us by very quickly if we allow it to. I’m pleased your Nanny taught you so many valuable lessons. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi fellow book lover! I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your post! To say it is great (not just this post, all of yours!) is an understatement. You are really talented (:
    Because of how much I loved this post I had to check out your blog and I couldn’t help but follow you because your blog is both amazing and beautiful! I am so happy I came across your blog and I can’t wait to read more from you, keep it up (:
    By the way this comment is towards all of your blog posts because they are all equally amazing and incredible (:

    Liked by 1 person

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